It rains, it pours

Happy Furahiday bloggers, its been a minute.

Welcome to the rebirth…from the land of Naija movies for evening entertainment. I can’t get past the accent let alone background ‘louder than speech’ music, not to mention repetitive plots. Kenyans love their soaps…

Beware people, the city under the sun is under attack by corrupt politicians, a pretentious ICC investigator and ridiculously heavy rain. If you want to know how heavy this rain is pouring; ask your local sukuma wiki mama the price of one tomato. I do not know how heavy rains correlate with tomato prices but she says its the reason.

If you haven’t gotten your voters card by now, stop reading this now and get your ass one. Its the only way that we will avoid the Anan’s and Ocampo’s in the future.  Plus its your right to vote YES on the Katiba, exercise it.

Good weekend peoples.

Stand by Haitians – Ways to donate

Ways you can donate to relief efforts.

1. Already viral on Facebook and social networking sites, the Red Cross is getting the word out about its text-message donation system. Text “HAITI” to the number 90999 to donate $10, which will be added to your next cellphone bill. You can also donate online through the Red Cross website.

2. Hospitals in Haiti are badly damaged and overwhelmed. To help medical aid workers, donate to Doctors Without Borders on its website.

3. International aid group CARE has already sent 133 staff members to Haiti, and it will be distributing food. You can donate your Delta Air Lines SkyMiles to transport CARE aid workers to Haiti or give money for relief funds through its website.

4. Louise Ivers, clinical director for Haiti for Partners in Health, wrote in an E-mail to colleagues, “Port-au-Prince is devastated, lot of deaths. SOS. SOS … Please help us.” You can donate to support Partners in Health’s field hospitals on its website.

5. Today, World Vision heads to Haiti with 18 tons of supplies, including blankets, tarps, and water containers. Support World Vision by donating through its website.

6. The UNICEF representative in Haiti, Guido Cornale, told the BBC yesterday that the Haitian earthquake is one of the worst he’s seen in his life. To help children in Haiti, donate via UNICEF’s website.

7. Haitian-American rapper Wyclef Jean’s foundation to rebuild Haiti, Yéle, is also accepting text-message donations. Text “Yele” to 501501 to donate $5, which will be added to your next phone bill. You can also donate via the Yéle Foundation’s website.

8. International Relief and Development will supply water, sanitation kits, medicines, hygiene kits, and shelter materials. You can donate to IRD on its website.

9. Oxfam already has 200 volunteers stationed in Haiti. They’ll be providing clean water, shelter, and sanitation through donations on Oxfam’s website.

10. The Salvation Army is sending 285,120 boxed meals of rice, soy, and vitamins to Haiti. Support the Salvation Army through its website.

- Also in the US you can donate spare change to the American Red Cross via Coinstar.

source: www.usnews.com

Whore, Whore, Whore…a merry Tiger Xmas

Dear Santa,

Wassup pimp? How is Mrs. Santa, and the whore, whore, whores doing? Hope all is well with you, lazy bastard. I still can’t believe you get away with working 1 day per year. What do you do, fill out 364 vacation days?

Lucky bastard.

Anyway, every single freaking year since the Eleen Error, I have asked for one thing only, a fucking divorce! And what do you do year after year? You slide me another bimbo – not that I have complained, but its like asking for Nintendo Wii and getting college fund receipt. Nice but not really what I asked for.

So last thanksgiving as it has been since the Elin Error dawned on us, I was having Swedish meatballs and chasing them with Vicodin, Ambien, Baileys and whiskey…you know typical thanksgiving dinner at the Woods.

Then out of the blue Elin goes off on mistress #19 (apparently 18 bimbos is her cutoff) and sends my ass to the garage.

To tell you the truth I don’t know what the hell happened, I was stuffed, buzzed and slightly horny. All I remember when I gained consciousness is Elin holding my 9 iron, the caddy humping a hydrant, a cut lip and pain all over my body.

Then 911, National Enquirer, Lawyers…transgressions blah blah blah. The rest as they say is sweet history.

As I write this (in the bathroom, keeping appearance till divorce is final)…my lawyers and hers are working on the details of turning a nanny beau to one of Swedish richest. And you know what, I couldn’t give two shits.

I will give her 150 Mil, pay my ‘debt’ to society but so what? I am Eldrick Freaking Woods! I am 33, good looking, ethnic (but not black) and I play in a sport-ish event that you can literally play till government retirement age.

I made a billion dollars in 12 years, I can make the same in the next ten. I have the Nike CEO still kissing my ass amidst all the ‘drama’ so trust me the rest of sponsors will come back.

Of course I do feel for the kids and Elin, I am not a monster you know. Truth be told Elin is a good lady but I am just not the marriage type. I tried to tame the Tiger but no one really can, it has a head of its own.

Be well my friend and have a succesfull day in 2010. Thanks to you, I am already having the time of my life and can’t wait to get back out there.

TW

p.s. if you watch the fist pump carefully I always had the hips bent in an up against the wall humping style kinda of pose…practice makes perfect, ask the ladies.

Tiger Woods goes way over PER

Well well well….what do we have here? Do I see Tiger on the 19th with his driver out and multiple holes to go?

Oh yeah, its Tiger again finishing with a modest 2 over PER.

If you are not familiar with PER, it is a common phrase with menfolk that simply means one’s P*ssy Entitlement Ratio. Most men with or without their knowledge are assigned a PER 1.

A PER 1 simply means that your girlfriend or wife  has booked your woody for permanent domestication. In the case of Tiger, his Woody would be entitled to be in or near only one certain Swedish blond one.

They say man is to err and I mostly agree especially when it comes covering up his errs. There exists very few men who can consistently go over their assigned PER and neither get caught by their wives (Tiger); nor by wife & law (Kobe); or worst case scenario – wife, law and death (Steve McNair).

The risks always outweigh the 11 or so minutes of pleasure but men of all walks of life cannot help but succumb.

For Tiger he not only stands to lose the ‘perfect guy’ persona he has carefully cultivated over the years but he may not have the millions of dollars that come along with it.Not to mention the small matter of his certified PER 1 being temporarily off limits.

So what should Tiger do?

First and foremost, put Woody away. Accustom him to solo flights until PER 1 is warm enough to venture back in. Definitely forget away games for a long time!

Second and most important confess! To your wife first obviously but then to the public. Do not buy anyone’s BS who says ”you are entitled to your privacy’ . Unless of course you are satisfied with the current balance in your account plus yearly earnings on the golf course sans endorsements.

See, society’s behavior is akin to a preteen girl on her 4th red-bull at a Jonas brothers concert.We are excited, we will overreact, we demand answers now, we will make snap judgments but eventually will forget and or get over it.

By confessing to adultery (avoid uttering ‘adultery’ during ‘teary sorry’ press conference) you will satisfy all our needs. Do not dare go Clinton on us…the truth is already out there, just confirm it.

Thirdly, give away money and time.

Oprah does this all the time and she hasn’t even been caught doing anything yet (not even Gayle). You will need to attend random charitable events and give generously. Attend marriage counseling and make sure the media follows you. Give your time to anyone who needs it other than PER 2, 3, etc.

Basically do your best Mother Theresa impression for a few months…trust me, it will all be worth it.

Finally, start winning and winning big. At tournaments be always several strokes a head. Win with defiance but find a way to always seem humble.

Remember, society doesn’t mind cheaters but it loathes cheaters who get caught and deny.

Good luck Tiger, you will need it.