Keys to success in Kenya Politics

Please follow the guidelines below if you have a serious intention to vie for a parliamentary seat in any of Kenya’s 210 constituencies.

  • Money and lots of it. This money could come from any number of sources including inheritance, corruption, or hard work. The Kenyan citizenry do not judge on your riches. Instead they will use your ‘gifts’ to lay a golden carpet to parliament.
    • Harambes are not conducted with tea leaves, money and especially near the election date will become the most important determinant of whether you will be sworn into the Augusta house come January.
    • It is never a bad idea to carry huge sums of money when traveling to the rural area. Quenching the thirst of ordinary citizens with short-lived riches is not only a duty but an obligation that you will be held responsible for in the voting booths.
  • Lack of Integrity and Principles. It has been proven time and time again that Kenyans do not respect anyone who stick to their principles or have any ounce of integrity. It is advisable to join a political party with every intention of abandoning it for a more popular one later.
    • Another point to note here, do not fear to smear your opponents in public. All Kenyans share a common problem, short memory. They will in fact carry you by the shoulders when you retract any critisim and support those who you criticized earlier.
    • If you are ever handed a party platform document on where your party would like Kenya to head, make sure you appear in the newspaper holding it but minutes after discard it together with any strategy memos handed to you.
  • Tribal Chief Connection. – If you happen to be vying for a seat that is not occupied by the God chosen tribal leaders / chiefs then it is your duty to befriend the most recognized leader near your constituency. If possible take pictures with them and attend every harambee they go to. Let it be known to your opponents that you are in Mr. So and So’s good side.
    • Should it happen that you want to vie for the same seat that the tribal chief occupies, keep your money and pray that he something happens to him when you are still under the accepted age limit for candidates 80 years.
  • Advanced Age. In Kenya we recognize our elders as the only capable leaders to propel our country into the new millennium. And because of this it would be absurd to believe you can get elected if you have not attained the minimum age of 60 years.
    • Note that the leaders we often refer to as young turks are on average 50 years or older. A good formula to use is this: President’s Age + Vice President’s Age / 3. The result is approximately 50 years.
    • The only way to forge this age requirement is to a good dose of item 3 coupled with an unlimited supply of item 1.
  • Lack of Education / high pretence of lack of. This might seem at first an easy requirement to fulfill but it is one of the hardest. If in fact you are already educated, one must learn of ways to sound incoherent, uncoordinated and thoroughly stupid when commenting on topics that affect all Kenyans. Education, remember is the reason we have Universities…Parliament does not require any understanding of government or political procedures.

Now you are prepared to enter the gates of parliament. In our next article we will review what a responsible Kenyan Parliamentarian must do once they are elected.

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