Old Man Tales

My grandfather used to tell me that it is wiser to ignore people than to bother with their problems. He also used to ‘sing his cows’ whenever he was drunk and near his homestead (for security reasons). He was a trophy grandfather to all of us.

Nevertheless my grandma would not hesitate to point out that he had mellowed into a polite and kind man once he hit retirement at the tender age of 80 (you only retire from shepherding when your body starts to curve inwards as it starts assuming a lower case F form)

Apparently in his younger productive days, the old man used to give my grandma and akina my mzee hell. This he agreed but countered that it was his discipline that made grandma and her children such good citizens of of the community.

I remember this one night the old man came home drunk late at night. We could hear him singing his wild tunes in the silent night as he headed towards where the goats used to live (kennel, goat house??). Whichever name they give to (gichegu kia mburi), my grandfather was heading there.

On this night, the mzee came hungry and since there was no food left out for him to microwave he decided to take a healthy looking kondoo and prepare a late night snack. He wisely tied the limbs together and got surgical sending the poor kondoo to a place where even dreamers dare not go. Keep in mind that at this point much of the actions he was undertaking were not in his control.

He had had one too many at muigai’s and there was too little blood in his muratina to complete the task he had initiated.

While all this was going on my poor grandma had woken up and was starting to shield verbal insults as she tried to gauge how crazy her husband of 40 plus years had become. And the good thing about old people, they don’t have enough time left to keep anger inside like us; instead they hurl lovely insults at each other; it was a full fledged matusi on demand marathon!

Long story short, a goat killed must be slaughtered, chomwad nicely and deliciously consumed. So as the night winded down our proud grandfather was unleashing storoz for us as his sons and a few older cousins angrily perfected the kondoose to our liking.

And my grandpa (God rest his soul in peace), had gigantic balls; he would often break away from entertaining us and sternly warn the grown folks that none of them was lalaing or even dozing off before each kid had eaten their stomach full and slept. We were loving every moment of it.

And Oh yes the late night snack was deadly! It must have been due to the blessings of a drunk grandfather and a dozen grandchildren plus a kondoo that was too busy enjoying the whole story unfold that it didn’t realize it was the main character.

Good times my friends…Good Times!


16 thoughts on “Old Man Tales

  1. LMAO! Ati he had gigantic balls? kwani zilikuwa zimetokea kwa kaptula?

    I remember those midnight ‘songs’ by my uncles – aki! then they ha dto wake up everyone!

    alafu Umenichanganya kidogo, ni kondoo au ni goat he was chinyaing?

    kondosee na mbuzi ikichomwa ni kitu moja tu, nyama maalum

  2. one of my biggest fears is ati one day i will be a father.. then oneday i will be a grandfatha… and some rascal somewhere in the year 2055 will be blogging about my escapades…..

    fuck this life bana ..cant i just remain young forever?

    sorry dear, you can’t remain young forever lakini at least you will be wiser in your latter days plus you will be tech savvy so if the rascal misquotes the facts utaandika re-battle

  3. yaani many animals sheep/goats have suffered at the hands of the 3N clan. Calling in the animal rights activists.
    Now reading how this animal met it’s death…reminded me of something stupid I heard on the news the other day. Someone said the cows that had hii foot and mouth MUST BE KILLED HUMANELY. Ni ulize does it matter seriously? Sii kiifu nii kiifu, kwani the cows want to be sang to as they die? they already have “mugu na mudomo” (foot and mouth).
    Having said that your grandfather did kill the goat which in the process also became a sheep (I think you just like sheep) humanely!!!!!

    i wouldn’t say they have suffered….we merely transitioned their journey to the next life. LMAO @ ‘muguu na mudomo’. yes I do like kondosee, humanely of course.

  4. LMAO!!! Memories are made of that! and these sheep are the same u used to force to mate??? LOL
    LOL! Lazima watu wazeeke!!

    tha’ts why we were so keen on having them mate, so that we tenderize them later and serve them with a side of ugali and kachumbai

  5. (lol!!)

    That sounds exactly like my grand-dad; he has the same tabias. Kwanza that maneno of slaughtering sheep in the middle of the night and rousing the whole homestead to eat. Only difference is that he’d make us take another ki-vile sour milk he’d mixed with blood and had been keeping in his kasmoky house sijui for how long.

    up until the sour milk, I was about to ask kwani we are related….lol

  6. That reminds me of Grandpa too. He used to slaughter mbuzi at 8 and uncles should not eat before all kids are full.
    Lunch hour teh kukus used to go missing because he can think its time any minute.
    Sweet memories.

    have you ever done a kuku-chase, when the kifaranga doesn’t follow along with quick catch & slaughter? good exercise, it was

  7. Ahh! those were the days men were men and what they said was law yaani they had humongous balls. I remember whenever we went shags some animal had to die.
    LOL @ 3TOC

  8. visiting your new digs and liking it. maze, I have also noticed your fascination with sheep and goat stories… a shepherd in the making perhaps?

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