I swear if I see another memorable joke on KBW, I will be forced to throw up all over this too green for me website. Kwani this unmemorable joker has an unlimited supply of jokes? anyway wacha ni wachane na wengine, I have my own samaki to karanga.
Recap: White Water Rafting.
There is a reason they call it White Water Rafting….you will find out later. The jist of rafting is that they put you on a tube-like boat and give each person a wooden stick and a jungu instructor who goes by the name “chicken head”.
Then they let you free into the heart of the river. In hindsight I would recommend that before your rafting session begins, hold hands together and each person takes a minute to get on the good side of their maker.
You will need it.
So we were off and this chicken head was clever because he first took us to calm waters and went through some practice sessions:
Two strokes to the right
Two strokes backwards
Faster, faster, all at once
3 strokes forward
If i am not mistaken some of the gals in our boat might have not been getting wet from the water alone….lakini hiyo ni story ya siku iingine.
I am here to tell you my friends, do NOT think that you can control a river with back and forward strokez instructions given by chicken head, NEVER! In fact after observing how a river can change it’s mood and swallow it’s sense of humor, I have decided never to enter in a pool of anything.
Hata kama mamawatoto anataka tuiingie hot tub, I will pass. Instead I will be on the outside of the tub pouring hot water on my self with a ka bucket like those ones we used to take to boarding school.
Half way through the river we were approaching a monster current and since I had masterfully conquered the past 3, I was beaming with confidence and even ignoring some of Chicken Head’s instructions. He warned us though; “this is where we usually lose a rafter”
As we approached the current I noticed the river was not responding to the stokez I was giving it with my wooden stick. It just laid there with a look of ‘are you kidding me?”. And being from the clan that I am from, I stroked harder and faster and in unison with the other rafters. But this only seemed to anger the river more, and without warning it unleashed a strong current that saw the front of our raft boat waaay high in the sky and the other half of the boat waaay down in the waters.
Does anyone remember when Jesus said that happy are those who sit in the back for they shall be brought forward? (or something of the sort…); I now know he must have been on a rafting trip with akina Peter and Paul.
So me being the jamaa of kimbele mbele and forgetting one of Jesus teachings I sat in the front of the boat and when it was thrown wayy up I joined for the ride flying huko in the air gasping for oxygen as if I was one of the rafters who were now deep in the waters practicing survival 101.
Oh was I wrong to panic early, my time in the water was yet to come.
You see they say what goes up must come down and they don’t joke, laws of gravity applied with speeds that could have made Sir. Newton blush. In one swift swing of the boat I was reversed to the ground, head with helmet first into the river and attending an unnplanned whole body baptism.
I immediately retreated to my peaceful place and did several signs of the cross. Panic mode was now in full session. The same approach I hold to running; I only swim when threatened with death hence the reason I had insisted on wearing two life jackets and an over sized helmet to match.
Now imagine a mid twenty something kondose like me in a river with two life jackets and an oversized yellow helmet covering his spectacled face:
yelling the following:
Loosely translated; Seriously HELP NOW…there is no memorable joke here!!!!
Lucky for me chicken head had a kind soul and threw a long rope at me which I used to pull myself back to the boat.
Long story short, I have white water rafted and I learned the following.
Water = Enemy
Gauge River ≠ Gitathuru
White Water Rafting is only for White People OR Black folks who have made peace with their maker.
- “I will smack you all the way to horniness” – anonymous
- “it would have been much easier if you had let me know from the beginning that you are an idiot!” – chicken head
- “did any of them touch you inappropriately?” – Mary to Jesus after she found out the boy had been hiding at the temple for 3 days.
- “anyone seen a copy of Vision 2030?” – Raila in his first cabinet meeting as Kenya’s 4th president.
3TOC nime-update sasa, now stop driving and thinking out loud, lol.
Good Weekend Everyone.