Whore, Whore, Whore…a merry Tiger Xmas

Dear Santa,

Wassup pimp? How is Mrs. Santa, and the whore, whore, whores doing? Hope all is well with you, lazy bastard. I still can’t believe you get away with working 1 day per year. What do you do, fill out 364 vacation days?

Lucky bastard.

Anyway, every single freaking year since the Eleen Error, I have asked for one thing only, a fucking divorce! And what do you do year after year? You slide me another bimbo – not that I have complained, but its like asking for Nintendo Wii and getting college fund receipt. Nice but not really what I asked for.

So last thanksgiving as it has been since the Elin Error dawned on us, I was having Swedish meatballs and chasing them with Vicodin, Ambien, Baileys and whiskey…you know typical thanksgiving dinner at the Woods.

Then out of the blue Elin goes off on mistress #19 (apparently 18 bimbos is her cutoff) and sends my ass to the garage.

To tell you the truth I don’t know what the hell happened, I was stuffed, buzzed and slightly horny. All I remember when I gained consciousness is Elin holding my 9 iron, the caddy humping a hydrant, a cut lip and pain all over my body.

Then 911, National Enquirer, Lawyers…transgressions blah blah blah. The rest as they say is sweet history.

As I write this (in the bathroom, keeping appearance till divorce is final)…my lawyers and hers are working on the details of turning a nanny beau to one of Swedish richest. And you know what, I couldn’t give two shits.

I will give her 150 Mil, pay my ‘debt’ to society but so what? I am Eldrick Freaking Woods! I am 33, good looking, ethnic (but not black) and I play in a sport-ish event that you can literally play till government retirement age.

I made a billion dollars in 12 years, I can make the same in the next ten. I have the Nike CEO still kissing my ass amidst all the ‘drama’ so trust me the rest of sponsors will come back.

Of course I do feel for the kids and Elin, I am not a monster you know. Truth be told Elin is a good lady but I am just not the marriage type. I tried to tame the Tiger but no one really can, it has a head of its own.

Be well my friend and have a succesfull day in 2010. Thanks to you, I am already having the time of my life and can’t wait to get back out there.

TW

p.s. if you watch the fist pump carefully I always had the hips bent in an up against the wall humping style kinda of pose…practice makes perfect, ask the ladies.

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8 thoughts on “Whore, Whore, Whore…a merry Tiger Xmas

  1. Off topic: still cant believe that the Cougars post is still generating traffic. How about we open a cougar/MILFs agency?

    See me sideways, we need to open one. The interest is too high.

  2. Somehow I totally do not feel any which way about the whole Tiger story. I think something is wrong with me 😦
    And on the side note, can I be the Madam of the Cougar/MILFS agency, I can already see myself in a turban and a brandy glass by my side 🙂

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