Whore, Whore, Whore…a merry Tiger Xmas

Dear Santa,

Wassup pimp? How is Mrs. Santa, and the whore, whore, whores doing? Hope all is well with you, lazy bastard. I still can’t believe you get away with working 1 day per year. What do you do, fill out 364 vacation days?

Lucky bastard.

Anyway, every single freaking year since the Eleen Error, I have asked for one thing only, a fucking divorce! And what do you do year after year? You slide me another bimbo – not that I have complained, but its like asking for Nintendo Wii and getting college fund receipt. Nice but not really what I asked for.

So last thanksgiving as it has been since the Elin Error dawned on us, I was having Swedish meatballs and chasing them with Vicodin, Ambien, Baileys and whiskey…you know typical thanksgiving dinner at the Woods.

Then out of the blue Elin goes off on mistress #19 (apparently 18 bimbos is her cutoff) and sends my ass to the garage.

To tell you the truth I don’t know what the hell happened, I was stuffed, buzzed and slightly horny. All I remember when I gained consciousness is Elin holding my 9 iron, the caddy humping a hydrant, a cut lip and pain all over my body.

Then 911, National Enquirer, Lawyers…transgressions blah blah blah. The rest as they say is sweet history.

As I write this (in the bathroom, keeping appearance till divorce is final)…my lawyers and hers are working on the details of turning a nanny beau to one of Swedish richest. And you know what, I couldn’t give two shits.

I will give her 150 Mil, pay my ‘debt’ to society but so what? I am Eldrick Freaking Woods! I am 33, good looking, ethnic (but not black) and I play in a sport-ish event that you can literally play till government retirement age.

I made a billion dollars in 12 years, I can make the same in the next ten. I have the Nike CEO still kissing my ass amidst all the ‘drama’ so trust me the rest of sponsors will come back.

Of course I do feel for the kids and Elin, I am not a monster you know. Truth be told Elin is a good lady but I am just not the marriage type. I tried to tame the Tiger but no one really can, it has a head of its own.

Be well my friend and have a succesfull day in 2010. Thanks to you, I am already having the time of my life and can’t wait to get back out there.


p.s. if you watch the fist pump carefully I always had the hips bent in an up against the wall humping style kinda of pose…practice makes perfect, ask the ladies.

Tiger Woods goes way over PER

Well well well….what do we have here? Do I see Tiger on the 19th with his driver out and multiple holes to go?

Oh yeah, its Tiger again finishing with a modest 2 over PER.

If you are not familiar with PER, it is a common phrase with menfolk that simply means one’s P*ssy Entitlement Ratio. Most men with or without their knowledge are assigned a PER 1.

A PER 1 simply means that your girlfriend or wife  has booked your woody for permanent domestication. In the case of Tiger, his Woody would be entitled to be in or near only one certain Swedish blond one.

They say man is to err and I mostly agree especially when it comes covering up his errs. There exists very few men who can consistently go over their assigned PER and neither get caught by their wives (Tiger); nor by wife & law (Kobe); or worst case scenario – wife, law and death (Steve McNair).

The risks always outweigh the 11 or so minutes of pleasure but men of all walks of life cannot help but succumb.

For Tiger he not only stands to lose the ‘perfect guy’ persona he has carefully cultivated over the years but he may not have the millions of dollars that come along with it.Not to mention the small matter of his certified PER 1 being temporarily off limits.

So what should Tiger do?

First and foremost, put Woody away. Accustom him to solo flights until PER 1 is warm enough to venture back in. Definitely forget away games for a long time!

Second and most important confess! To your wife first obviously but then to the public. Do not buy anyone’s BS who says ”you are entitled to your privacy’ . Unless of course you are satisfied with the current balance in your account plus yearly earnings on the golf course sans endorsements.

See, society’s behavior is akin to a preteen girl on her 4th red-bull at a Jonas brothers concert.We are excited, we will overreact, we demand answers now, we will make snap judgments but eventually will forget and or get over it.

By confessing to adultery (avoid uttering ‘adultery’ during ‘teary sorry’ press conference) you will satisfy all our needs. Do not dare go Clinton on us…the truth is already out there, just confirm it.

Thirdly, give away money and time.

Oprah does this all the time and she hasn’t even been caught doing anything yet (not even Gayle). You will need to attend random charitable events and give generously. Attend marriage counseling and make sure the media follows you. Give your time to anyone who needs it other than PER 2, 3, etc.

Basically do your best Mother Theresa impression for a few months…trust me, it will all be worth it.

Finally, start winning and winning big. At tournaments be always several strokes a head. Win with defiance but find a way to always seem humble.

Remember, society doesn’t mind cheaters but it loathes cheaters who get caught and deny.

Good luck Tiger, you will need it.