Wassup pimp? How is Mrs. Santa, and the whore, whore, whores doing? Hope all is well with you, lazy bastard. I still can’t believe you get away with working 1 day per year. What do you do, fill out 364 vacation days?
Anyway, every single freaking year since the Eleen Error, I have asked for one thing only, a fucking divorce! And what do you do year after year? You slide me another bimbo – not that I have complained, but its like asking for Nintendo Wii and getting college fund receipt. Nice but not really what I asked for.
So last thanksgiving as it has been since the Elin Error dawned on us, I was having Swedish meatballs and chasing them with Vicodin, Ambien, Baileys and whiskey…you know typical thanksgiving dinner at the Woods.
Then out of the blue Elin goes off on mistress #19 (apparently 18 bimbos is her cutoff) and sends my ass to the garage.
To tell you the truth I don’t know what the hell happened, I was stuffed, buzzed and slightly horny. All I remember when I gained consciousness is Elin holding my 9 iron, the caddy humping a hydrant, a cut lip and pain all over my body.
Then 911, National Enquirer, Lawyers…transgressions blah blah blah. The rest as they say is sweet history.
As I write this (in the bathroom, keeping appearance till divorce is final)…my lawyers and hers are working on the details of turning a nanny beau to one of Swedish richest. And you know what, I couldn’t give two shits.
I will give her 150 Mil, pay my ‘debt’ to society but so what? I am Eldrick Freaking Woods! I am 33, good looking, ethnic (but not black) and I play in a sport-ish event that you can literally play till government retirement age.
I made a billion dollars in 12 years, I can make the same in the next ten. I have the Nike CEO still kissing my ass amidst all the ‘drama’ so trust me the rest of sponsors will come back.
Of course I do feel for the kids and Elin, I am not a monster you know. Truth be told Elin is a good lady but I am just not the marriage type. I tried to tame the Tiger but no one really can, it has a head of its own.
Be well my friend and have a succesfull day in 2010. Thanks to you, I am already having the time of my life and can’t wait to get back out there.
p.s. if you watch the fist pump carefully I always had the hips bent in an up against the wall humping style kinda of pose…practice makes perfect, ask the ladies.